Update

An update is long over due :)

Intense emotions, tough decisions, and too much happening that is far beyond our control.  The little devotional recently received provides much comfort when there are no answers to everything life throws our way.  I spend time daily, just sitting in God's presence, Bible and devotional in hand, marveling at how each message is written for my need today. Sorry, I prefer not to discuss publicly all that has or is happening as it involves the privacy of others but the story of Job comes to mind.  It isn't just our family going through intense times..others are as well.  Eternity is near!

The details will be recorded in my private journal of praise.  Several years ago, Jesus gave me the idea of a unique journal. One page dated for each day of the year.  In it, I record the blessings and events of my life.  Each one must be expressed in positive terms, no matter how it hurts.  My goal, to find a blessing for every date on the calendar.  The purpose, a testimony of God's goodness throughout my life.

Week 2
My brain and fingers functioned and the rest of me laid low while I finished a project.  Kids, Treadmill, juicing, supplement schedule filled my time as DH travelled.  Bitter cold kept me inside (-32) for the most part.  We did get out to church in a nearby town.  How humbling and encouraging to learn these dear brothers and sisters in Christ had been praying for us.  A visit with another cancer fighter brightened my week.

Week 3
Trusting Jesus as the storm around us continues to grow in intensity, trying to lay low and conserve energy for a special weekend ahead.  Friends stopped by. What a precious celebration on Sabbath as two young ladies dear to our hearts committed their lives to Jesus.  A blessed time together, we so enjoyed watching all the young people present, rejoicing with their friends and soaking up the time of fellowship.

Week 4
DH traveling from Big City so we went along to encourage and support Grandparents who face their own set of challenges.  The intensity of the storm surrounding us grew even more this week, delaying our return to our mountain cabin, but God is faithfully by our side.  Friday evening, peace descended, Sabbath came quietly, we rest.  We know not what today or the future holds, but we trust all to Him who does. Tomorrow, the Lord willing, we return home.

The next two weeks:
February 25, a round of ancillary appointments.
March 5, I meet with Dr. G, the medical oncologist.  It's a story, I'm not ready to share publicly yet.  Treatment will start within a week of that visit.

Happy Sabbath

A quiet sabbath at home.  DH took the whole crew around the mountains to fellowship today.  These mornings are always early ones, they were out the door just after 6am.  Their IM posts let me know they are nearing their destination.

Sunrise playing peek a boo with the clouds, soft harp music, a favorite cup of herb tea, two cats snoring in their favorite locations while I rest after seeing the family off. Quiet time with my Lord, lunch with a dear friend, notes to write, a few phone calls to make and sweet rest.  It will be a full day!

On the medical front:

Recovery is going well, my 8" incision is healing up beautifully.  Dr. H was not taking any chances with clean margins this time.  When I saw her Thursday, she told me she had been asked by someone what she would say to me if she didn't have clean margins.  She told them she would rather leave town than face me!  I don't blame her.  This has been tough on both of us.

Now that phase one is behind me, phase two looms ahead and as yet there is no total consensus on a treatment plan.  Three medical oncologists, 3 opinions and they are all a little different.  (It's much less stressful when you fit in a fairly standard bucket.)  We have been praying this week for the Lord to go before us and make the path clear.  It would be good to have a decision finalized this coming week as I will be ready physically for phase 2 around the 3rd week of February.

The negative side of the mental picture:
I don't get through a day without tears, (and I hate crying).   It's not fear of the future (Christ conquered all! ), it's not WHY ME or poor me (that wastes time and energy), usually it's not physical pain, sometimes it's frustration, but most often it's stress at having our lives reconfigured by a 7mm nodule that shouldn't have been anything.

The positive side of the mental picture:
1.  Rethinking ways we've done things in light of our new reality for this year. Tapping into incredible resources that God put in place before we ever knew we would need them.
2.  A deeper ability to empathize with others who are going through severe experiences.  I often sit in silent companionship, for there are no words to resolve or mask the pain.
3.  Reconnecting with old friends and family in a meaningful way.
4.  Meeting incredible new friends who are survivors and fighters against all odds. They inspire me.
5.  Being reminded that my docs and providers are real people and having incredibly open and honest conversations with them about the road ahead, my concerns, and theirs too.
6.  Being blessed by my incredible family and friends.
7.  Learning new ways of working together as a family (um...that's a positive way of saying...we have our moments!)


So today, here are my prayer requests:
- A coworker of DH, who buried his wife this week after faithfully caring for her for the past two years.  She had a massive stroke just before my surgery in 2012.  They have a daughter about Rocket's age.
- a coworker of DH, whose father was admitted to hospice on Wednesday.  DH was able to connect with him as we just went through that experience this past summer.
- my dear 10 year breast cancer survivor friend, who always radiates Florida sunshine.  Three days after we last talked, She suffered a stroke and spent two weeks in ICU with life threatening complications.  She is now in rehab and that is tough work!
- a sweet friend who just buried her stepfather.
- wisdom as we make care decisions in the week ahead.
- There are many more I could add and so could you.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who holds you and me in the palms of his nail scarred hands.  Through the pain, hurt, anguish and upheaval that that ravage my life and yours, He is still our Comforter.

Be Thou exalted, O God, above the heavens; let thy glory be above all the earth!  Ps 57:5

The sun is out.  I shall go walking!

Happy Sabbath

News Flash

Dr. H. just called me and asked if I wanted good news.
Feeling crummy, I said, "sure."
She laughed, and said "I just got the pathology report 30 seconds ago and the margins are widely clean!"
"Yes!" I yelled.
She laughed again, "That was worth being late to my meeting for!"

I see her Thursday and will get the details.  It doesn't change the treatment options, but for now, there is a huge smile on my face.

Thank you Lord!

The Lord Goes Before

And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night: He took not away the pillar of the cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people.  Exodus 13:21-22


It's 11pm,  the house is quiet, as all members enjoy sweet dreams....except me.  I just woke up really well for the first time since 10am this morning.  Since it is another hour before I can do something for the pain, thought I'd use this time to update my blog.

4-5 am
It began early with DH juicing my post surgery needs.  I've learned to eat lightly the day before, follow anesethia guidelines the morning of and just juice the rest of the day post surgery.

7am
Off we go, DH, Inventor, Cat Lover, Rocket and I.  Quiet time as we drive the 2 hours to town.  Psalm 40 is my comfort today.

Inventor leaves us at the hospital and heads out on important errands.  The front desk quickly swallows me up and my prep nurse helps me don the latest in hospital fashion.  My veins run and hide and it takes hydrotherapy and 3 attempts before they get a good vein.  Now we wait, Dr. G is finishing up an early case and she is scheduled to go first.  Drs. H & B are ready to go.  Dr. H has marked me up and initialed her work on my skin. Dr B tells me when I get done, I'll be able to write a novel.  I tell Dr. H she has a lot of prayer support this morning.

OR nurse stops by, she was a highshool classmate of DH.  She wants to make sure I'm ok with her in the room. We visit..it's comforting to know some one on the OR team.  My preop nurse from 5 weeks ago stops by to say hi.  She is a sweet lady.  Off we go to surgery.

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For thou art with me."  With a pray of thanks I slip off to sleep.

Ouch Ouch, OUCH.  Not a nice way to wake up 3 hours later.  My nurse starts in on pain management, X-rays and trying to get me to stop trembling from cold as that makes my pain worse.  I drift in and out.  It's rough this time and  I don't want DH to see me like this. As pain management kicks in, a new problem,  I'm apparently allergic to one of the meds given.  Itching and scratching like a cat with fleas is no fun.  More adjustments...I drift in and out.  DH comes in and works with me.  I am blessed by his presence.

He tells me all three docs sat down with him together.  Only at My Town!  Dr.  H explains that because of the previous margins, she was following the trail of the cancer which was away from chest wall.  Think of a pie.  She took a football shaped piece from the crust all the way to the middle. That is certainly good mental news for us.  We totally understand that there are free cells wandering around trying to find a new home.  But we will focus on hope!  Dr. B explains about my expander, all the docs like the idea of having extra skin to work with and having it off the chest wall.  The expander which can be inflated or deflated will assist the radiation oncologist as well.  Dr. G goes over the port placement.  The guys can carry my backpack this year.  And I'll also be able to use the port for some natural therapies later this year.

Pastor stops by, come to find out he arrived just as DH came out the doors from sending me off to
surgery.  His being there with DH was such a blessing. My nurse recognizes the pastor, come to find out, he is a believer too.  What comfort as they both pray with me.

Then another cancer partner stops by.  We have been trying to connect for a month. When my nurse found out I knew her he went and called her.  What a blessing to visit with her, she offers wise
council on charting an independent course through the maze of options, based on what God calls us to do.

By the time, DH arrives back to take me home, my heart is filled to overflowing with the goodness of God.

Sleep calls,

Happy Sabbath

A long over due update...

After reviewing my last post in May of 2012, an update on the last 18 months is due. In one word.

FABULOUS.  When you walk this road, every day watching your children grow up is very special.  Many of you get our Christmas letter and know a lot of the details. These past months have been very special.  

Now to catch you up on what has happened….this blog is active again. That's not a good thing.

Timeline:

Late Oct / Early Nov 2013 

I find a small lump out on my implant near the original site of my largest DCIS tumor.  Knowing the chances of it being cancer are very small, I wait and go in 30 days later for my 2 year check up with Dr. H.  who is my breast surgeon.

Dec 5 in fast forward:

8:30 Dr. H exams me. She thinks its a suture granuloma as its on the suture line. BUT she doesn't like it. Schedules an appointment for that very day in ultrasound.

1:30 Ultrasound. The radiologist comes in to talk with me about the scans. He can't confirm or deny what Dr. H thinks. BUT He doesn't like it either. He's surprised I found it as it only shows 5mm on the scan.

4:00 Back in Dr. H's office. She removes offending lump in a 30 minute procedure and sends it to pathology. We know the odds.  

The next week.

Dr. H calls me, she's very direct! It's cancer, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma this time. More info to come later when the pathology report is complete. She needs to go back in for clean margins.

December 16

Here we go again! 45 minutes in OR. I get the high level summary of the pathology. ER, PR, HER2 positive. I can handle the first 2. The third one is a problem and I know it, but it's better than a triple negative and I know that too.  Dr. H also orders a pet scan to determine if it has metastasized.  A sentinel node biopsy was done 2 years ago and was clean.  Because of the surgery I've had, another node biopsy isn't going to provide the info needed.

December 24

Yep, Christmas Eve and I get to spend about 2 hours in Nuclear Medicine and then an 11:30 appointment with Dr. H.  Everyone has been so kind.  They went over the top to have preliminary PET Scan results at 11:30.  For those of you who know the medical profession, that is tops.  I appreciate the level of compassion.

Good News:  Pet Scan does not show distant metastasis at this time.  There are a couple of issues to clear up, but those I can deal with.

Bad News:  Two of the six surgical margins are not clear.  Dr. H. needs to go back in and take a significant section of skin, muscle and tissue.  She will also need to remove the implant and replace it with an expander which is smaller.  We schedule everything for January 22.

Merry Christmas 

We go to Grandparents and try to celebrate the Good News and leave the rest until later.  Much time is spent reconnecting with knowledgeable individuals from natural medicine and medical perspectives.  We so appreciate everyone's input.  We are praying for the Lord to go before us and show us what we should do and what we should avoid.  Every cancer has some unique features.  Breast cancer takes several different forms and with each type there are many tumor markers that can affect treatment.  Getting up to speed on this cancer, what feeds it, what creates a welcoming environment for it and what will kill it, is time consuming.

January 9 

DH and I meet my "Oncology Dream Team".  We were really trying to avoid this.  :)

It's a tough day and we are mentally and physically exhausted by what we've heard and we have more questions than answers.  It seems I'm an unusual case (IDC after mastectomy for DCIS) and many docs have only seen 1 or 2 cases or none at all.  

January 15, 16  

Second opinions in a bigger city.  Good news, they have seen more cases.  We are so grateful to all the docs and to their nurse navigator.  Their perspective was helpful and enlightening.  We have been praying…Lord, go before us, show us the way to take.  We still have more questions than answers on the medical oncology and radiation oncology pieces.  The surgical oncology piece is clear.  Surgery is definitely on and I will go to Dr. H for that.

January 22  

1 hour before I am to arrive, surgery is cancelled as the tissue expander needed didn't arrive on the plane due to bad weather.  It's a rough day for me emotionally, thank you for all your prayers.  We finally decided to come home and regroup as a family.  We haven't been together for a week as I have been in Bigger City.

Surgery is rescheduled for January 24.  I am to arrive at 9am.  

Thanks for your prayers.

Surgery update

Well my Dear Hubby's alarm went off at 3am yesterday morning. I just rolled over and groaned. He asked me what time my alarm was set for. I said 4 am. I figured I could get up and be ready to go in 30 minutes! Anyway, we did get up and were on the road by 4:15. I had time to leave a long list for each child and a note to say I loved them! We were in town an hour before I needed to report at the hospital. I decided we had enough time to do our Walmart run. The list was short, the store empty and I had great help. I love Walmart at 5:30 in the morning, go early, leave happy! So with that item off our list, I reported for surgery at 6:30. This time I was back at the hospital where my original red flag mammograms were done. It is the preferred facility for my plastic surgeon. I even had my favorite breast cancer survivor nurse to do my IV. She is 3 years post diagnosis and doing well. My regular nurse looked at my veins and said, I'm not touching you, you have little veins. I had warned her to avoid my hands. Every time they start IVs they want to start with my hands and they always have to restart and it's a pain. So this time, i just told them, they were off limits. They went higher and got it the first time and we were all happy. The anesthesia doc was a real character and Dr. N was in fine form as well. I was in surgery by 7:30 and started coming to about 10:30. This hospital even provides their patients with massages. That was nice. I was home about 2:30. I've had some pain, but only did 2 small pain doses yesterday and just regular Tylenol today. It just getting over the anesthesia feeling, so I'm sleepy and take naps willingly! The kids say I'm doing much better than when I came home after my first surgery. Because of the nipple reconstruction, I'm wearing nipple protectors for the next six weeks, you know, the kind we tried when we were nursing our kids. They are a challenge to get on with the surgical bra and they fill with drainage which can be a mess if I'm not careful. Hopefully the drainage will stop in a couple of days. Dr. N did revise my incisions some, but those I leave alone with steri strips until I see her in two weeks. Anyway,I know that it will look a lot better in 6 weeks than it did this morning! The house is quiet as DH and Cat Lover went on a business trip once I got home. We played a game last night and I helped Inventor with school. We also had a great teen discussion last night. It's such a joy to listen to their hearts! Today, it's cloudy and rainy, the perfect day to snuggle up with a blanket, a book and cat. Thanks to everyone for their prayers! I appreciate you so much!

Here I go Again

Well, May 30 is surgery day.  Supposedly it's scheduled for early morning.  Hopefully this procedure will be under 2 hours and since it's not horribly invasive like my January surgery, I  hope to be headed home by noon.  After visiting with the Physician's Assistant last week.  I know that I will have incision care for the next 6 weeks, but no drains and I probably won't need a lot of pain meds, there just aren't many nerves functioning in my breast skin any more.

Dr. N will do bilateral nipple reconstruction and tattoo the aerolas in as well.  She will also revise the incisions and remove the extra skin left after my last surgery.

So how do I feel almost 5 months post-op?  Pretty good most of the time!
*I still do not have the stamina that I did last fall.  My eyelids close just after 9pm usually and stay that way for a good 8 hours.
*I'm still timid or lack the chest wall strength to do heavy garden/lawn work that involves using chest muscles.
*My chest still feels strange.  It will never feel the same and at some point, my mind will hopefully adapt to the new normal.  With my mastectomy went all those estrogen receptors that created painful, swollen breasts every month.  So while there is no normal sensation in my chest, there also isn't the pain I used to live with.
*About the time we returned from our trip, I noticed the implants had started to settle and created a normal looking inframammary fold at the base of the breast. Dr. N. stitched this in at my mastectomy and it looked strange for the longest time.  The stitches have now dissolved and the results look and feel really good.

*That lymph node biopsy site is still pesky.  Women who undergo radical mastectomies or have to have large numbers of lymph nodes removed have my great respect!  It gets tight, sometimes there is slight swelling or just strange sensations.